Question: How Do I Love Better? (Continued)

(This post is a continuation of the post located here.)

Continued

I've had failed relationships in the past and the relationship I am currently in seems to be failing. I keep being told "I don't feel like you love me." I don't get it - I buy stuff, I say the words and I sacrifice so much of myself. What am I missing? How do I love better?

Love.

Once you've become a person who loves yourself through action, you're ready to love others.


To love others effectively, you'll need four things:

L, O, V and E

L - Learn


Before you leave to go on a road trip, it's helpful to learn the route. It doesn't matter how many road trips you've gone on before or how good of a driver you are. The better you learn your route, the better direction you'll have once you're ready to get going.


The better you know a person, the more effectively you can love them. The goal is to help the person you are loving to feel valued, accepted and appreciated. Different people feel valued in different ways. Different people look for acceptance different ways. Different people want appreciation expressed in different ways.

Who are you loving?

What makes them special?

What is their Love Language?

What types of things make them feel valued?

O - Own


If you are the driver preparing to drive on the road trip, you benefit from owning the responsibility of driving safely.

You are always the only person responsible for and in control of your behavior.

The decision to love another person will always be up to you.

Own that.

V - Victory


Some road trips are long. Sometimes road trips take the driver through some bad weather. Sometimes road trips take the driver through bad traffic. Nevertheless, many people still enjoy road trips.


Why?
Quality time spent with loved ones and the joy of reaching a desired destination for vacation or recreation.


A successful road trip isn't one with the least amount of bad weather or bad traffic. A successful road trip is one that accomplishes its mission of traveling safely and spending quality time with loved ones.

True love never fails. It can't.

Truly loving another person is a Win-Win for all parties involved. 

The victory that lies in love can be a source of inspiration that provides motivation to love in difficult times.

E - Execution


You've learned your route.
You've owned the responsibility of driving.
Your eyes are set on the prize of victory.
What now?


"Ain't nothin to it but to do it"

Time for the rubber to meet the road and actually go on this road trip.


What's your plan? How will you balance loving yourself and loving others?

When balancing your love for self and others, consider the following types of loving behavior:

I love me for my benefit

This is self-love for your own personal fulfillment. This is the first love that fills you so that you can spill your overflow of love onto others.

I love me for your benefit

This is the self-love you practice for the purpose of being more capable of loving others.

I love you for my benefit

This is the love of others that provide you with a sense of fulfillment.

I love you for your benefit

This is the love of others that provides them with a sense of fulfillment.


Loving others is a journey, like going on a road trip.


Enjoy the journey.

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Question: How Do I Build Trust With Someone?

I want to get to a place where I can trust the people that I should trust. I've been hurt before in my past, so I'm very careful about who I choose to trust, but some people have never done anything wrong to me for me to have a reason not to trust them. How do I build trust with the people I should and how do I protect myself from trusting the people that I shouldn't?

Trust.

To understand how to build it, we must first understand what it is.

There are two main components of trust. 

Without an equal focus on both components, we'll usually fail to enjoy either.

Those two components are "The Decision To Trust" and "The Feeling Of Trust".

The Decision To Trust

This is an absolutely critical first step in building "The Feeling Of Trust".

Without this decision, you can't reach the emotional destination you seek.

Without deciding to go on vacation, you aren't likely to find yourself at a vacation destination.

But how?

Deciding to trust someone isn't as easy as making a decision that you are going to start feeling a certain way towards someone.

Deciding to trust someone means giving them opportunities to prove their trustworthiness.

But how?

For two people wanting to build trust together, it's helpful to start by focusing on expectations.

When a person consistently meets our expectations, feelings of trust start to build.
When a person consistently fails to meet our expectations, feelings that they are untrustworthy start to build.
It's important to share expectations so everyone has an equal understanding about what behaviors will affect trust.
 

When sharing expectations, think about: 

M.Y.  C.A.R.S.

                                         M - My expectations

                                         Y - Your expectations

                                         C - We should be clear about our expectations

                                         A - We should be aware of the other person's expectations

                                         R - We should agree that the expectations are realistic

                                         S - We should understand the significance/importance of the expectations 

The types of expectations you have of a person will generally depend on your relationship with them.

For example, what you expect from your coworker is likely to be different from what you expect from a neighbor, a sibling or a spouse.

After you've clearly expressed your expectations, you can start to look for patterns in the person's behavior that you want to build trust with. Consistency is key here. Behavior patterns are more accurate predictors of what to expect from a person than isolated actions.

After you've decided to express your expectations and give someone opportunities to prove their trustworthiness, the next component of trust to focus on is the feeling.

The Feeling Of Trust
People that consistently meet or exceed your expectations will cause this feeling to grow in you.
People that consistently fail to meet your expectations will not.

This is where we want to be when we say we want to be able to trust someone.
This is an emotional space where you feel safe being vulnerable with someone.
This is a mental space where you believe the person will behave and treat you a certain way.

This is the finish line.
If you make it here, enjoy it.
If you make it here, it is extremely important to protect this space.
That is, if you want the trust to last.

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Question: How Do I Love Better?

I've had failed relationships in the past and the relationship I am currently in seems to be failing. I keep being told "I don't feel like you love me." I don't get it - I buy stuff, I say the words and I sacrifice so much of myself. What am I missing? How do I love better?

Love.

It's a word that many use but few seem to genuinely understand.

We say things like "I love this song/place/food" and we say things like "unconditional love".

We ask questions like "Do you love me?"

Some people even call it "the L-word" as if it's a profanity or some disease to be avoided.

All of those are evidence of love that is misunderstood.

To ever truly love others, we must first successfully love ourselves.

Do you love yourself?

In answering the question, think about your behavior rather than your emotions. 

Let's take a look at what loving behavior looks like:

Love is patient, love is kind.

How often is the behavior that you direct towards yourself truly patient and kind?

When you make mistakes, do you use kind language to reassure yourself?

How often is the behavior you direct inwardly cheerful and friendly? 

To love yourself, be kind to yourself and treat yourself kindly.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Are you envious of the things that others have? 

Do you find yourself feeling discontent because of the advantages of others?

Are you boastful when you achieve or acquire things that others have not?

This behavior is based on comparing against others and seeking external validation.

True validation has to come from within and be based on an innate sense of self-worth. 

To love yourself, seek similarities between yourself and others. 

Even your enemies.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.

Are you a person that speaks ill of others? Do you gossip?

That type of behavior is akin to transporting trash in your vehicle and storing sewage in your bedroom. It's nasty. The more nastiness you allow, the less respect you show for the vehicle, the bedroom and your self.

Does your ego tend to get the best of you?

Would those that know you best consider you to be a "giving" person or a "selfish" person? 

To love yourself, use positive language and practice humility.

It is not easily angered.

Do you find yourself getting angry with yourself in any area of life? 

How often are you displeased or annoyed with yourself? 

How much time do you spend complaining?

Do you become easily frustrated with yourself or do you speak to yourself in a calm and reassuring way?

Speaking to ourselves in a calm and reassuring way gives us the practice necessary to be able to genuinely speak to others the same way. 

To love yourself, regularly engage in activities that bring you joy.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Do you beat yourself up over any past mistakes?

Is there anything from your past that you haven't forgiven yourself for?

Every day is a new day with new opportunities to live a joyous life. Reflecting too much on the past takes away an ability to focus on and enjoy the present. 

To love yourself, focus on the present.

Be present.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Do you like seeing others experience misfortune?

How much of your time do you spend focusing your energy on things or people you dislike?

How much truth do you seek?

To love yourself, recognize the goodness in you and celebrate it.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

How protective are you of your right to live by your values?

What ideals govern your behavior?

Would people that know you consider you to be an ethical person?

How optimistic are you of your future?

To love yourself, consistently do what's right and let your principles guide your behavior.

Love never fails.

Love can't fail.

When we are kind and patient with ourselves and resist speaking ill of or comparing ourselves to others, we begin to carry ourselves in a way that brings us more into the present.

The more we are accepting of ourselves, the better we feel and the more optimistic we are about life.

We need to practice love within ourselves before we can ever expect to successfully practice it with others.

If we do not have love within ourselves, trying to love others will feel like a sacrifice. 

That is because it would be an attempt to give something that you don't have.

Imagine trying to give someone money when you don't have any.

Imagine trying to feed someone when you don't have food.

There is always a limit to the amount you can sacrifice.

There is never a limit to the amount you can love.

When we don't have love within ourselves, what we give to others will usually have expectations or "conditions". If we don't get what we expect in return, resentment builds.

Real love never breeds resentment.

By loving ourselves, we fill ourselves with love. When we continue filling ourselves with love after we are "full", the overflow of love spills onto those around us.

There is no resentment from overflow.

Love others as you love yourself.

This requires you to first love yourself.

To be continued...

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