Question: How Do I Build Trust With Someone?

I want to get to a place where I can trust the people that I should trust. I've been hurt before in my past, so I'm very careful about who I choose to trust, but some people have never done anything wrong to me for me to have a reason not to trust them. How do I build trust with the people I should and how do I protect myself from trusting the people that I shouldn't?

Trust.

To understand how to build it, we must first understand what it is.

There are two main components of trust. 

Without an equal focus on both components, we'll usually fail to enjoy either.

Those two components are "The Decision To Trust" and "The Feeling Of Trust".

The Decision To Trust

This is an absolutely critical first step in building "The Feeling Of Trust".

Without this decision, you can't reach the emotional destination you seek.

Without deciding to go on vacation, you aren't likely to find yourself at a vacation destination.

But how?

Deciding to trust someone isn't as easy as making a decision that you are going to start feeling a certain way towards someone.

Deciding to trust someone means giving them opportunities to prove their trustworthiness.

But how?

For two people wanting to build trust together, it's helpful to start by focusing on expectations.

When a person consistently meets our expectations, feelings of trust start to build.
When a person consistently fails to meet our expectations, feelings that they are untrustworthy start to build.
It's important to share expectations so everyone has an equal understanding about what behaviors will affect trust.
 

When sharing expectations, think about: 

M.Y.  C.A.R.S.

                                         M - My expectations

                                         Y - Your expectations

                                         C - We should be clear about our expectations

                                         A - We should be aware of the other person's expectations

                                         R - We should agree that the expectations are realistic

                                         S - We should understand the significance/importance of the expectations 

The types of expectations you have of a person will generally depend on your relationship with them.

For example, what you expect from your coworker is likely to be different from what you expect from a neighbor, a sibling or a spouse.

After you've clearly expressed your expectations, you can start to look for patterns in the person's behavior that you want to build trust with. Consistency is key here. Behavior patterns are more accurate predictors of what to expect from a person than isolated actions.

After you've decided to express your expectations and give someone opportunities to prove their trustworthiness, the next component of trust to focus on is the feeling.

The Feeling Of Trust
People that consistently meet or exceed your expectations will cause this feeling to grow in you.
People that consistently fail to meet your expectations will not.

This is where we want to be when we say we want to be able to trust someone.
This is an emotional space where you feel safe being vulnerable with someone.
This is a mental space where you believe the person will behave and treat you a certain way.

This is the finish line.
If you make it here, enjoy it.
If you make it here, it is extremely important to protect this space.
That is, if you want the trust to last.