Question: How Do I Love Better?

I've had failed relationships in the past and the relationship I am currently in seems to be failing. I keep being told "I don't feel like you love me." I don't get it - I buy stuff, I say the words and I sacrifice so much of myself. What am I missing? How do I love better?

Love.

It's a word that many use but few seem to genuinely understand.

We say things like "I love this song/place/food" and we say things like "unconditional love".

We ask questions like "Do you love me?"

Some people even call it "the L-word" as if it's a profanity or some disease to be avoided.

All of those are evidence of love that is misunderstood.

To ever truly love others, we must first successfully love ourselves.

Do you love yourself?

In answering the question, think about your behavior rather than your emotions. 

Let's take a look at what loving behavior looks like:

Love is patient, love is kind.

How often is the behavior that you direct towards yourself truly patient and kind?

When you make mistakes, do you use kind language to reassure yourself?

How often is the behavior you direct inwardly cheerful and friendly? 

To love yourself, be kind to yourself and treat yourself kindly.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Are you envious of the things that others have? 

Do you find yourself feeling discontent because of the advantages of others?

Are you boastful when you achieve or acquire things that others have not?

This behavior is based on comparing against others and seeking external validation.

True validation has to come from within and be based on an innate sense of self-worth. 

To love yourself, seek similarities between yourself and others. 

Even your enemies.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.

Are you a person that speaks ill of others? Do you gossip?

That type of behavior is akin to transporting trash in your vehicle and storing sewage in your bedroom. It's nasty. The more nastiness you allow, the less respect you show for the vehicle, the bedroom and your self.

Does your ego tend to get the best of you?

Would those that know you best consider you to be a "giving" person or a "selfish" person? 

To love yourself, use positive language and practice humility.

It is not easily angered.

Do you find yourself getting angry with yourself in any area of life? 

How often are you displeased or annoyed with yourself? 

How much time do you spend complaining?

Do you become easily frustrated with yourself or do you speak to yourself in a calm and reassuring way?

Speaking to ourselves in a calm and reassuring way gives us the practice necessary to be able to genuinely speak to others the same way. 

To love yourself, regularly engage in activities that bring you joy.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Do you beat yourself up over any past mistakes?

Is there anything from your past that you haven't forgiven yourself for?

Every day is a new day with new opportunities to live a joyous life. Reflecting too much on the past takes away an ability to focus on and enjoy the present. 

To love yourself, focus on the present.

Be present.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Do you like seeing others experience misfortune?

How much of your time do you spend focusing your energy on things or people you dislike?

How much truth do you seek?

To love yourself, recognize the goodness in you and celebrate it.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

How protective are you of your right to live by your values?

What ideals govern your behavior?

Would people that know you consider you to be an ethical person?

How optimistic are you of your future?

To love yourself, consistently do what's right and let your principles guide your behavior.

Love never fails.

Love can't fail.

When we are kind and patient with ourselves and resist speaking ill of or comparing ourselves to others, we begin to carry ourselves in a way that brings us more into the present.

The more we are accepting of ourselves, the better we feel and the more optimistic we are about life.

We need to practice love within ourselves before we can ever expect to successfully practice it with others.

If we do not have love within ourselves, trying to love others will feel like a sacrifice. 

That is because it would be an attempt to give something that you don't have.

Imagine trying to give someone money when you don't have any.

Imagine trying to feed someone when you don't have food.

There is always a limit to the amount you can sacrifice.

There is never a limit to the amount you can love.

When we don't have love within ourselves, what we give to others will usually have expectations or "conditions". If we don't get what we expect in return, resentment builds.

Real love never breeds resentment.

By loving ourselves, we fill ourselves with love. When we continue filling ourselves with love after we are "full", the overflow of love spills onto those around us.

There is no resentment from overflow.

Love others as you love yourself.

This requires you to first love yourself.

To be continued...