Question: What does it mean to share more of myself?
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years and she's everything I want in a woman. I popped the question (asked her to marry me) a few days ago, and she said she has to think about it. She says she doesn't feel like she knows me and that I'd need to share more of myself before she can give me an answer. We live together and I spend all my free time with her - What does it mean to share more of myself?
Before we can get into sharing 'yourself' with others, we need to make sure you understand what 'yourself' is. If you live with and are in a relationship with someone that wants you to share more of yourself, it suggests that you are either keeping to yourself or you are somewhat robotic in your routines and don't share a lot of personality.
I have a question that I want you to answer to yourself:
Who are you?
In answering the question, don't use your name, your profession, any relationships that you have or your background. Titles and labels don't define you. Your past doesn't define you. You get to decide who you are.
If you have difficulty answering that question, you likely have difficulty sharing yourself with those that are closest to you.
If you have difficulty answering that question, here are some secondary questions to help get you going:
What are your hobbies?
Why do you enjoy those hobbies?
How do you feel when enjoying those hobbies?
What are you passionate about?
How do you feel when engaging in things you are passionate about?
What is it you seem to be better at than most people?
What's something you do well enough that others would want to pay for?
What are you known for?
What emotions do you tend to show most often?
What makes you feel accomplished?
What are some of your favorites?
(food, music, locations, luxuries, seasons, etc.)
What are your biggest fears?
It's important to be able to answer all of those questions.
Knowing those answers will help you to know yourself.
Now here's a question to help you gauge how well your girlfriend probably feels like she knows you:
How many of those questions can your girlfriend confidently answer about you?
If there are any of those questions that she would not feel confident answering, it's evidence that she doesn't know you.
For her to feel like she knows you, you'll need to share more of yourself.
In order to share more of yourself, you'll need to know yourself.
Like the title photo says, "Like and Share".
Like yourself and share yourself.
What is it that you like about yourself?
What is it about yourself that you like to show to others?
What makes you smile?
What types of things do you get excited about?
Describe the personality of your inner child.
How often do you spend time with your inner child?
What's a side of you that people at work don't get to see?
Get to know this about yourself. If you don't already, work on coming to a point where you like these things about yourself. You should be your own best friend and biggest supporter.
Once you know yourself, you can like yourself.
Once you like yourself, you're better prepared to share.
Question: How Do I Get Better At Winning Arguments?
I have problems speaking up for myself in public. I have problems speaking up for myself when I'm home. I have problems convincing others that I have good ideas. How do I get better at arguing my point? I don't want to be the one that always loses arguments.
So you want to be better at arguing?
As with anything, being better at something generally means understanding it better first.
An argument starts with two or more people having different beliefs about a point.
Each person then tries to convince the other to change their belief.
Arguing is essentially an attempt to persuade someone else to believe what you believe.
If you're going to be good at arguing, you'll need to be good at listening. People are more likely to listen to your argument after they've had an opportunity to express themselves.
Listening to another person's belief gives them space to express themselves and will help them feel as though they've been heard.
Make a genuine attempt to listen instead of just "allowing them to speak". Try to see things from their point of view. The better you understand their perspective, the better prepared you'll be to express yours in a language they'll understand.
For more information on becoming a better listener, click here.
Once you've listened and you feel as though you understand the other person, you can decide what you feel would be the most effective way to express yourself.
If we think of Aristotle's 'Ethos, Pathos, Logos", we can decide the mode of persuasion we feel will be most effective for the situation we are in and the person we are arguing with.
Ethos - Credibility
To use this mode of persuasion, you'll work to establish credibility on the topic at hand.
What makes you believable?
Why should a person listen to you?
What makes you an authority on the topic you're discussing?
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of who you are.
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of who you are.
Pathos - Emotion
To use this mode of persuasion, you'll work to appeal to the other person's emotions.
Do you know how they feel?
Do you know how they want to feel?
How do their emotions support your position?
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of how they feel or because of how your idea would make them feel.
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of how they feel or because of how your idea would make them feel.
Logos - Logic
To use this mode of persuasion, you'll work to use facts and logic to support your position.
What facts support your position?
Are there any established precedents?
Do you have any evidence to support your claim?
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of factual information that you have presented.
Practice with each mode of persuasion. As you focus on your relationships, you'll find that certain modes of persuasion are more effective with certain people.
Do you have any evidence to support your claim?
When using this mode of persuasion, your goal is to convince the other person that they should listen to you because of factual information that you have presented.
Practice with each mode of persuasion. As you focus on your relationships, you'll find that certain modes of persuasion are more effective with certain people.
So, rather than focus on "winning" arguments, you may find it more effective to focus on becoming more effective in the art of persuasion.
Question: How Do I Love Better? (Continued)
(This post is a continuation of the post located here.)
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| Continued |
I've had failed relationships in the past and the relationship I am currently in seems to be failing. I keep being told "I don't feel like you love me." I don't get it - I buy stuff, I say the words and I sacrifice so much of myself. What am I missing? How do I love better?
Love.
Once you've become a person who loves yourself through action, you're ready to love others.
To love others effectively, you'll need four things:
To love others effectively, you'll need four things:
L, O, V and E
L - Learn
Before you leave to go on a road trip, it's helpful to learn the route. It doesn't matter how many road trips you've gone on before or how good of a driver you are. The better you learn your route, the better direction you'll have once you're ready to get going.
The better you know a person, the more effectively you can love them. The goal is to help the person you are loving to feel valued, accepted and appreciated. Different people feel valued in different ways. Different people look for acceptance different ways. Different people want appreciation expressed in different ways.
Before you leave to go on a road trip, it's helpful to learn the route. It doesn't matter how many road trips you've gone on before or how good of a driver you are. The better you learn your route, the better direction you'll have once you're ready to get going.
The better you know a person, the more effectively you can love them. The goal is to help the person you are loving to feel valued, accepted and appreciated. Different people feel valued in different ways. Different people look for acceptance different ways. Different people want appreciation expressed in different ways.
Who are you loving?
What makes them special?
What is their Love Language?
What types of things make them feel valued?
O - Own
If you are the driver preparing to drive on the road trip, you benefit from owning the responsibility of driving safely.
If you are the driver preparing to drive on the road trip, you benefit from owning the responsibility of driving safely.
You are always the only person responsible for and in control of your behavior.
The decision to love another person will always be up to you.
Own that.
V - Victory
Some road trips are long. Sometimes road trips take the driver through some bad weather. Sometimes road trips take the driver through bad traffic. Nevertheless, many people still enjoy road trips.
Why?
Quality time spent with loved ones and the joy of reaching a desired destination for vacation or recreation.
A successful road trip isn't one with the least amount of bad weather or bad traffic. A successful road trip is one that accomplishes its mission of traveling safely and spending quality time with loved ones.
Some road trips are long. Sometimes road trips take the driver through some bad weather. Sometimes road trips take the driver through bad traffic. Nevertheless, many people still enjoy road trips.
Why?
Quality time spent with loved ones and the joy of reaching a desired destination for vacation or recreation.
A successful road trip isn't one with the least amount of bad weather or bad traffic. A successful road trip is one that accomplishes its mission of traveling safely and spending quality time with loved ones.
True love never fails. It can't.
Truly loving another person is a Win-Win for all parties involved.
The victory that lies in love can be a source of inspiration that provides motivation to love in difficult times.
E - Execution
You've learned your route.
You've owned the responsibility of driving.
Your eyes are set on the prize of victory.
What now?
"Ain't nothin to it but to do it"
You've learned your route.
You've owned the responsibility of driving.
Your eyes are set on the prize of victory.
What now?
"Ain't nothin to it but to do it"
Time for the rubber to meet the road and actually go on this road trip.
What's your plan? How will you balance loving yourself and loving others?
What's your plan? How will you balance loving yourself and loving others?
When balancing your love for self and others, consider the following types of loving behavior:
I love me for my benefit
This is self-love for your own personal fulfillment. This is the first love that fills you so that you can spill your overflow of love onto others.
I love me for your benefit
This is the self-love you practice for the purpose of being more capable of loving others.
I love you for my benefit
This is the love of others that provide you with a sense of fulfillment.
I love you for your benefit
This is the love of others that provides them with a sense of fulfillment.
Loving others is a journey, like going on a road trip.
Enjoy the journey.
Loving others is a journey, like going on a road trip.
Enjoy the journey.
Question: How Do I Build Trust With Someone?
I want to get to a place where I can trust the people that I should trust. I've been hurt before in my past, so I'm very careful about who I choose to trust, but some people have never done anything wrong to me for me to have a reason not to trust them. How do I build trust with the people I should and how do I protect myself from trusting the people that I shouldn't?
Trust.
To understand how to build it, we must first understand what it is.
There are two main components of trust.
Without an equal focus on both components, we'll usually fail to enjoy either.
Those two components are "The Decision To Trust" and "The Feeling Of Trust".
The Decision To Trust
This is an absolutely critical first step in building "The Feeling Of Trust".
Without this decision, you can't reach the emotional destination you seek.
Without deciding to go on vacation, you aren't likely to find yourself at a vacation destination.
But how?
Deciding to trust someone isn't as easy as making a decision that you are going to start feeling a certain way towards someone.
Deciding to trust someone means giving them opportunities to prove their trustworthiness.
But how?
For two people wanting to build trust together, it's helpful to start by focusing on expectations.
When a person consistently meets our expectations, feelings of trust start to build.
When a person consistently fails to meet our expectations, feelings that they are untrustworthy start to build.
It's important to share expectations so everyone has an equal understanding about what behaviors will affect trust.
When a person consistently fails to meet our expectations, feelings that they are untrustworthy start to build.
It's important to share expectations so everyone has an equal understanding about what behaviors will affect trust.
When sharing expectations, think about:
M.Y. C.A.R.S.
M - My expectations
Y - Your expectations
C - We should be clear about our expectations
A - We should be aware of the other person's expectations
R - We should agree that the expectations are realistic
S - We should understand the significance/importance of the expectations
The types of expectations you have of a person will generally depend on your relationship with them.
For example, what you expect from your coworker is likely to be different from what you expect from a neighbor, a sibling or a spouse.
After you've clearly expressed your expectations, you can start to look for patterns in the person's behavior that you want to build trust with. Consistency is key here. Behavior patterns are more accurate predictors of what to expect from a person than isolated actions.
After you've decided to express your expectations and give someone opportunities to prove their trustworthiness, the next component of trust to focus on is the feeling.
The Feeling Of Trust
People that consistently meet or exceed your expectations will cause this feeling to grow in you.
People that consistently fail to meet your expectations will not.
This is where we want to be when we say we want to be able to trust someone.
This is an emotional space where you feel safe being vulnerable with someone.
This is a mental space where you believe the person will behave and treat you a certain way.
This is the finish line.
If you make it here, enjoy it.
If you make it here, it is extremely important to protect this space.
That is, if you want the trust to last.
After you've clearly expressed your expectations, you can start to look for patterns in the person's behavior that you want to build trust with. Consistency is key here. Behavior patterns are more accurate predictors of what to expect from a person than isolated actions.
After you've decided to express your expectations and give someone opportunities to prove their trustworthiness, the next component of trust to focus on is the feeling.
The Feeling Of Trust
People that consistently meet or exceed your expectations will cause this feeling to grow in you.
People that consistently fail to meet your expectations will not.
This is where we want to be when we say we want to be able to trust someone.
This is an emotional space where you feel safe being vulnerable with someone.
This is a mental space where you believe the person will behave and treat you a certain way.
This is the finish line.
If you make it here, enjoy it.
If you make it here, it is extremely important to protect this space.
That is, if you want the trust to last.
Question: How Do I Love Better?
I've had failed relationships in the past and the relationship I am currently in seems to be failing. I keep being told "I don't feel like you love me." I don't get it - I buy stuff, I say the words and I sacrifice so much of myself. What am I missing? How do I love better?
Love.
It's a word that many use but few seem to genuinely understand.
We say things like "I love this song/place/food" and we say things like "unconditional love".
We ask questions like "Do you love me?"
Some people even call it "the L-word" as if it's a profanity or some disease to be avoided.
All of those are evidence of love that is misunderstood.
To ever truly love others, we must first successfully love ourselves.
Do you love yourself?
In answering the question, think about your behavior rather than your emotions.
Let's take a look at what loving behavior looks like:
Love is patient, love is kind.
How often is the behavior that you direct towards yourself truly patient and kind?
When you make mistakes, do you use kind language to reassure yourself?
How often is the behavior you direct inwardly cheerful and friendly?
To love yourself, be kind to yourself and treat yourself kindly.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Are you envious of the things that others have?
Do you find yourself feeling discontent because of the advantages of others?
Are you boastful when you achieve or acquire things that others have not?
This behavior is based on comparing against others and seeking external validation.
True validation has to come from within and be based on an innate sense of self-worth.
To love yourself, seek similarities between yourself and others.
Even your enemies.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.
Are you a person that speaks ill of others? Do you gossip?
That type of behavior is akin to transporting trash in your vehicle and storing sewage in your bedroom. It's nasty. The more nastiness you allow, the less respect you show for the vehicle, the bedroom and your self.
Does your ego tend to get the best of you?
Would those that know you best consider you to be a "giving" person or a "selfish" person?
To love yourself, use positive language and practice humility.
It is not easily angered.
Do you find yourself getting angry with yourself in any area of life?
How often are you displeased or annoyed with yourself?
How much time do you spend complaining?
Do you become easily frustrated with yourself or do you speak to yourself in a calm and reassuring way?
Speaking to ourselves in a calm and reassuring way gives us the practice necessary to be able to genuinely speak to others the same way.
To love yourself, regularly engage in activities that bring you joy.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Do you beat yourself up over any past mistakes?
Is there anything from your past that you haven't forgiven yourself for?
Every day is a new day with new opportunities to live a joyous life. Reflecting too much on the past takes away an ability to focus on and enjoy the present.
To love yourself, focus on the present.
Be present.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Do you like seeing others experience misfortune?
How much of your time do you spend focusing your energy on things or people you dislike?
How much truth do you seek?
To love yourself, recognize the goodness in you and celebrate it.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
How protective are you of your right to live by your values?
What ideals govern your behavior?
Would people that know you consider you to be an ethical person?
How optimistic are you of your future?
To love yourself, consistently do what's right and let your principles guide your behavior.
Love never fails.
Love can't fail.
When we are kind and patient with ourselves and resist speaking ill of or comparing ourselves to others, we begin to carry ourselves in a way that brings us more into the present.
The more we are accepting of ourselves, the better we feel and the more optimistic we are about life.
We need to practice love within ourselves before we can ever expect to successfully practice it with others.
If we do not have love within ourselves, trying to love others will feel like a sacrifice.
That is because it would be an attempt to give something that you don't have.
Imagine trying to give someone money when you don't have any.
Imagine trying to feed someone when you don't have food.
There is always a limit to the amount you can sacrifice.
There is never a limit to the amount you can love.
When we don't have love within ourselves, what we give to others will usually have expectations or "conditions". If we don't get what we expect in return, resentment builds.
Real love never breeds resentment.
By loving ourselves, we fill ourselves with love. When we continue filling ourselves with love after we are "full", the overflow of love spills onto those around us.
There is no resentment from overflow.
Love others as you love yourself.
This requires you to first love yourself.
To be continued...
Opinion: How To Listen So People Feel Heard
Can You Hear Me Now?
We have two ears and one mouth.
One might assume that means we are designed to do more listening than we do talking, but many of us find ourselves doing the opposite.
One might assume that means we are designed to do more listening than we do talking, but many of us find ourselves doing the opposite.
Some of us try to be good listeners by hanging on to every word a speaker says (maybe even memorizing what's been said) only to have the speaker communicate that they don't feel like they've been heard.
"Why aren't you listening to me?"
For the purpose of this post I will be focusing on the concept of listening better to people that you share important relationships with.
First let's identify the goal of listening.
Why do we do it? What is it that we hope to accomplish?
Why do we do it? What is it that we hope to accomplish?
An effective listener improves relationships by giving their speaker a safe emotional space where they feel understood and accepted.
Effective listening will help us understand a speaker's message and accept the speaker as they are, without judgement.
To get an idea of which relationships could benefit the most from better listening, complete the following:
First, list the name of everyone that you share an important relationship with.
Next, identify emotionally how you and each person on your list feels about the idea of communicating with each other.
If you and the person you share a relationship with don't both feel good about the idea of communicating together, the relationship will likely benefit from improved listening skills.
But how do we become better listeners?
Effective listening will help us understand a speaker's message and accept the speaker as they are, without judgement.
To get an idea of which relationships could benefit the most from better listening, complete the following:
First, list the name of everyone that you share an important relationship with.
Next, identify emotionally how you and each person on your list feels about the idea of communicating with each other.
If you and the person you share a relationship with don't both feel good about the idea of communicating together, the relationship will likely benefit from improved listening skills.
But how do we become better listeners?
Listed below are six levels of listening.
Examine your behavior to see which level you see yourself spending most of your listening time.
Of the six levels, only one of them works actively to improve relationships. So, if you want to be a better listener for the purpose of improving your relationships, read on.
Examine your behavior to see which level you see yourself spending most of your listening time.
Of the six levels, only one of them works actively to improve relationships. So, if you want to be a better listener for the purpose of improving your relationships, read on.
1. Ignoring
People that spend their time here are not very user-friendly. "Ignorers" actively block out what's being said by the speaker. There is an active resistance to receiving feedback and any massages from the speaker. The speaker's feelings are of little concern here and there is often a desire to communicate to the speaker that their message is being rejected.
This damages relationship connection.
This damages relationship connection.
2. Pretending
People that spend their time here sometimes convince themselves that the speaker's feelings have value, when in reality "Pretenders" are concerned more about their own comfort. For one reason or another, "Pretenders" are unwilling to communicate to the speaker that they are uninterested in the speaker's message. The goal of pretending is to deceive the speaker into believing that they're being heard.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.
If this behavior is recognized by the speaker, it damages relationship connection.
3. Waiting
People that spend their time here often know what they are going to say before a speaker has finished speaking. "Waiters" sometimes believe they are listening, but they can't actively listen if they are formulating a response while the speaker's words are being shared.This type of behavior will often lead to repeat arguments and "here we go again" responses.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.
If this behavior is recognized by the speaker, it damages relationship connection.
3. Waiting
People that spend their time here often know what they are going to say before a speaker has finished speaking. "Waiters" sometimes believe they are listening, but they can't actively listen if they are formulating a response while the speaker's words are being shared.This type of behavior will often lead to repeat arguments and "here we go again" responses.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.
4. Selecting
People that spend their time here will often start out either ignoring or pretending to listen to the speaker. Then a "Selector" will hone in on a word or small section of a speaker's message that has captured their (often times, negative) interest. This behavior generally sends a message to the speaker that the rest of their message is considered unimportant to the listener.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection. If a speaker feels unable to receive attention concerning important topics, it damages relationship connection.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection. If a speaker feels unable to receive attention concerning important topics, it damages relationship connection.
5. Attending
People that spend their time here usually mean well. Attention is usually given by the "Attender" to the speaker and their words. "Attenders" may even express a sincere desire to listen and understand the speaker's message. The problem however is that "Attenders" often miss that message.
"Attenders" will often process the speaker's message through their own psychological and emotional filters, trying to arrive at the same place as the speaker. This leads to a lot of misinterpreted messages, which in turn leads to a lot of frustration.
In an attempt to improve connection, the connection can sometimes be made worse if either the speaker or listener loses hope about the idea of communicating in the future of the relationship.
"Attenders" will often process the speaker's message through their own psychological and emotional filters, trying to arrive at the same place as the speaker. This leads to a lot of misinterpreted messages, which in turn leads to a lot of frustration.
In an attempt to improve connection, the connection can sometimes be made worse if either the speaker or listener loses hope about the idea of communicating in the future of the relationship.
6. Empathizing
People that spend their time here have a skill that naturally improves relationships. Empathetic listening requires active participation with the speaker. Empathetic listening separates the understanding of the message FROM the understanding of the speaker's emotional perspective. "Empathizers" usually have an intellectual understanding of the speaker's message, but it isn't always necessary. More importantly, "Empathizers" have an ability to promote the speaker's emotional perspective and well-being to the main focus of the communication. An "Empathizer" not only understands the speaker's emotional connection to their message but communicates that understanding in a compassionate way. This compassion creates a space for the speaker where they are able to feel emotionally safe, mentally understood and accepted as a person without judgement. If a person and your relationship with them is important, then that person's emotional status and well-being should be important as well. This importance is clearly communicated when a listener can understand, is willing to identify AND also accepts the speakers emotional state. There is a lack of resistance from the listener and there is an ongoing comfort for the speaker in continuing the communication.
The speaker feels heard.
This type of listening builds stronger relationship connections.
Ask yourself, how often do you communicate to your loved ones that you understand AND accept how they feel when they communicate with you?
Practice more empathetic listening. Your improved relationships will be all the thanks you need.
People that spend their time here have a skill that naturally improves relationships. Empathetic listening requires active participation with the speaker. Empathetic listening separates the understanding of the message FROM the understanding of the speaker's emotional perspective. "Empathizers" usually have an intellectual understanding of the speaker's message, but it isn't always necessary. More importantly, "Empathizers" have an ability to promote the speaker's emotional perspective and well-being to the main focus of the communication. An "Empathizer" not only understands the speaker's emotional connection to their message but communicates that understanding in a compassionate way. This compassion creates a space for the speaker where they are able to feel emotionally safe, mentally understood and accepted as a person without judgement. If a person and your relationship with them is important, then that person's emotional status and well-being should be important as well. This importance is clearly communicated when a listener can understand, is willing to identify AND also accepts the speakers emotional state. There is a lack of resistance from the listener and there is an ongoing comfort for the speaker in continuing the communication.
The speaker feels heard.
This type of listening builds stronger relationship connections.
Ask yourself, how often do you communicate to your loved ones that you understand AND accept how they feel when they communicate with you?
Practice more empathetic listening. Your improved relationships will be all the thanks you need.