Question: How Do I Gain Confidence?

There are a lot of things that I plan to do. There are a lot of things that I want to do. There are even people I want to talk to that I don't, because when it's time to - I freeze. I don't feel like I have enough confidence in myself to do certain things or talk to certain people. What can I do?

First let's understand that confidence (or a lack thereof) is NOT a reflection of your abilities.

You want to plan? Go ahead and plan - you can do it.

You want to do some things? Go ahead and do those things - you can do them.

You want to talk to certain people? Go ahead and talk to them - you know how to speak.

The difficulty comes with your "belief". Confidence is all about whether or not you believe in yourself. Therefore, a desire for more confidence is a desire to believe in yourself and your abilities more than you currently do.

Once established, most of our beliefs are pretty unchanging unless an event or series of events comes along to change them. For example, if I believe that vanilla is the best ice cream flavor, that belief isn't likely to change unless there is an event that occurs to change that belief. (ex. I taste a flavor that I like more)

Therefore, if you want to change what you believe about yourself, you have to start creating events that increase how much you believe in yourself.

Here's a question for you:
What unique trait do you have that increases the value of others whenever you're around?

Every one of us has a unique gift that we can use to improve the lives of others. Spend time reflecting on that. Understand that no gift is "small" or insignificant. Anything from making sandwiches to singing songs to organizing spaces. Find your gift and find joy in being gifted.

Next, as you reflect on your gift(s) and the joy of being gifted, start a positive internal dialog with yourself (talk to yourself). Become best friends with your inner voice. Let that voice compliment you on your abilities and offer reassuring words.

The more you reassure yourself about your abilities, the better you'll feel about them.
The better you feel about your abilities, the more you will feel positive emotions.
The more you feel positive emotions, the more you'll have positive body language.
The more you have positive body language, the more others will respond to you positively.
The more others respond to you positively, the more reassured you'll be.

It's a cycle. You can make a deliberate effort to positively impact this cycle at any time you wish.

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Question: I Want This Body To Feel Better - Where Do I Start?

I don't really know how to describe how I feel now. I just know that I want to feel better. Where do I begin?

Starting from the beginning, it's important to make sure our body is at a place where it isn't in need. 

Is your body in need?

If so, this will always take priority. Any disease or sickness needs to be addressed first. 

Only after reaching a state of relative health should we really begin to focus on further improving our physical state. 

Healthy? Now What?

There are three general areas to focus on when working to improve your overall health:

Diet

Rest

Activity

Diet

How does what you eat make you feel? Food is literally fuel, so what you eat should leave you feeling refreshed and full of energy. If it doesn't, there's work to be done on the diet.

Rest

In addition to sleep, relaxation and restful breaks allow the body to recharge and prepare for whatever comes next.

Activity

Stretching, exercise, dancing, moving - if we expect our body to be able to do certain things, we have to train it to do those things. What is it that you want your body to be better able to do? Those are the things you should spend our time safely training your body to do.

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Question: So Much On My Mind - What Do I Do?

I lose sleep, I lose focus and I have a difficult time relaxing.

There's so much on my mind and I don't know how to shut it off.

What do I do?

Focus on your present.

It's a gift that can free your mind.

When we have a lot on our minds, it usually means one of two things:

1. We're reliving the past

2. We're worrying about the future

What about the 'Right Now'?

If you have a difficult time clearing your mind, a simple technique is to focus on what's going on right now. Wherever you are, be more present. Feel your skin. Inhale deeply. Notice all of the colors around you. Check in with all of your senses. Be mindful of all that is around you as it is in the moment.

You can't focus on all of that AND everything that was on your mind before. This doesn't mean that you neglect your responsibilities so that you can sit around. Instead what it means is that in all you do - be fully present in what you're doing.

Taking a shower? Sing! Feel the water against your skin! Be fully present in your body as its feeling of refreshment takes over.

Eating? Savor the flavor! Be mindful of each chew and enjoy the experience!

Listening to music? Let it fill your body! Move with the rhythm. Sing along (or lip sync). Perform your own private concert in your mind.

Laying in bed? Feel yourself sink into the mattress! The sheets and blankets over your body and the pillow cradling your head. Feel it. Describe it in vivid detail. List all of the things about it that you enjoy. As you are comfortable in your sleeping position, release the fatigue of the day as you prepare to rest. 

Deliberate focus in this manner takes focus away from whatever may be "on your mind". This doesn't suggest that you take mental energy away from anything requiring a resolution. Instead, it helps bring focus to the importance of the present sense of self.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day, starting with your present moment.

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Question: Are We Compatible?

How do I determine whether or not I am compatible with another person?

Is there a way to keep me from wasting time with someone that isn't right for me?

There sure is!

If you take a close look and answer questions at each of the 

"5 C's of Compatibility", 

you'll have a pretty clear idea.

Chemistry

Chemistry focuses on how you naturally feel towards each other. There should be an unspoken emotional magnetism that brings the two of you closer together. This same magnetism will sometimes require a bit of force to separate you.
Consider the following questions:

Are each of you attracted to the other? 

Do you "click" when you are together? 

Does conversation flow naturally and seem to go on for hours?

Comparability

Comparability focuses on the things you have in common.  
"Birds of a feather flock together"
Focus on the person you are and the values that are important to you.
Think about your lifestyle and everything that makes you unique. 
Consider the following questions: 

In what ways are you similar? 

(Some similarities may be more important to you than others.)
Do you have a similar sense of humor, emotional temperament, values, lifestyle, etc.

Complimentarity

Complimentarity focuses on your differences. Since no two people are the same, there will always be differences. For compatibility reasons, some of those differences should be complimentary. A burger is different from fries, but because of their complimentarity they're sold together at millions of restaurants world wide.
Consider the following questions:

In what ways are you different?
Do any of your differences make you want to be a better person?
Do any of your differences make it easier for you to contribute to the relationship?
In what ways do your differences make you better together?

Communication

Communication focuses on the way each of you express yourselves. When there is a message that you want to send, there is likely a particular way you send that message. Communication also focuses on the way you generally receive messages given to you by others. How you receive feedback is generally referred to as "listening" or "receptivity".
Consider the following questions:

What are your communication styles?
Does "what you say" match "what you show" and "how you feel"?
Are each of you comfortable with communicating to each other?
How does each of you feel emotionally about the idea of communicating with each other?

Conflict Resolution

 Conflict Resolution focuses on the approach you take to addressing any disagreements. No two people always agree on everything, so when those disagreements (conflict) arise, it's important to have a similar approach to solving those disagreements (conflict), otherwise there may be additional disagreements (conflict) created.
Consider the following questions:

Does each of you feel free to be assertive with each other in resolving conflict?
(Assertive meaning "If I have something to say, I'm going to say it and I feel comfortable saying it!")
Do you each feel respected during the conflict resolution process?
Are you each willing to forgive?

If you don't have an answer to some of these questions, you may need to give yourself more time to get to know each other. However, a lack of answers should not be a reason to remain in a relationship where incompatibility has been identified in another area.

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Opinion: Nurturing Your Creative Spark

Are you creative?

Where's your spark?

 

Believe it or not, there are deliberate steps your can take to help your creative spark fire up and grow into full forced energy.

 

When Do I Start?

Right Now! Whenever the  urge comes or an idea hits you, that's the time to be creative. 

As creativity is more abstract, it's less likely to follow a logical timeline for providing inspiration. Organization isn't as important in beginning as expression is.

 

What if I don't receive inspiration?

Give yourself space to receive inspiration. 

Remove distractions, quiet your mind and assume an open spiritual and emotional state. 

Meditation may help with this.

 

What if I don't have time?

 Make time! 

If you don't prioritize yourself, you'll be operating from a constant state of lack. 

Instead, take a good look at your schedule and carve out 10-20 minutes to devote to yourself. 

(As you get better at carving out time for yourself, this amount of time may naturally increase.) Understand that this time isn't for responsibilities or sleeping. This time is specifically for you to be open to receiving creative inspiration.

 

I've made time, but I still haven't received any creative inspiration. What now?

The next time you're enjoying the time for yourself, make note of how you feel. 

(Writing your  emotions may be helpful.) 

Identify as much emotion in as much detail as you can. Next, ask yourself the following question: "How can I express these emotions with this intensity as art?" 

Your answer will be creative inspiration.

 

The creative process starts with a feeling. 

This is followed by an idea about expressing the feeling. 

The process of expressing the feeling creates your art.

It is at that point you can choose to share your art with the world.

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Question: Sometimes I get so ANGRY!!!

ANGER  

is an emotion that many people have difficulty managing. However, with practice the emotion can be used to your benefit. Below are a few tips to help you understand anger a bit better and embrace it.

#1 - It's ok to feel anger 

Feeling anger isn't "bad" or "wrong". Therefore, there isn't a need to avoid it or try to keep the emotion from arising. It's important to justify anger so that time and energy aren't wasted in an attempt to keep from feeling. All energy that is conserved in this manner will still be available to help direct behavior.

#2 - Be honest about how much anger you feel

 Whenever emotions spike, it becomes more difficult to maintain an ability to think logically. While the feeling of anger may be justified, the more intense the feeling, the harder it will be to make rational decisions.

#3 - Identify the focus of your anger

 This is what many consider to be "what made me mad". If we believe that something or someone else has the power to control our emotions, we also fall into the trap of believing that the responsibility for behavior control lies outside of us. On the other hand, if we understand that the feeling of anger is an inner warning to us that something is wrong, we can appreciate the energy that we experience when we get "mad".

#4 - Decide what you want to do

 This is where you'll either succeed or fail in the management of your behavior. At this point, rather than continuing to focus on what's wrong or what you don't like, it's more helpful to shift your focus towards what you want. This shift in focus will help you identify steps you can takes to increase the likelihood that you'll get what you want.

#5 - Perform regular self care

This is where you get to treat yourself! The energy we experience when we feel anger takes us out of our emotional equilibrium. If after an experience we have lingering angry energy, that energy begins to affect many other aspects of our lives and may cause some unwanted consequences. Self-care is a routine of deliberate acts to bring joy into your life, so that the joyous energy will help you to return to an emotional state that helps you to enjoy life. 

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