Opinion: How To Listen So People Feel Heard

Can You Hear Me Now?

We have two ears and one mouth.
One might assume that means we are designed to do more listening than we do talking, but many of us find ourselves doing the opposite.

Some of us try to be good listeners by hanging on to every word a speaker says (maybe even memorizing what's been said) only to have the speaker communicate that they don't feel like they've been heard.

"Why aren't you listening to me?"

For the purpose of this post I will be focusing on the concept of listening better to people that you share important relationships with.

First let's identify the goal of listening.
Why do we do it? What is it that we hope to accomplish?

An effective listener improves relationships by giving their speaker a safe emotional space where they feel understood and accepted.

Effective listening will help us understand a speaker's message and accept the speaker as they are, without judgement.

To get an idea of which relationships could benefit the most from better listening, complete the following:

First, list the name of everyone that you share an important relationship with.

Next, identify emotionally how you and each person on your list feels about the idea of communicating with each other.

If you and the person you share a relationship with don't both feel good about the idea of communicating together, the relationship will likely benefit from improved listening skills.

But how do we become better listeners?

Listed below are six levels of listening.
Examine your behavior to see which level you see yourself spending most of your listening time.
Of the six levels, only one of them works actively to improve relationships. So, if you want to be a better listener for the purpose of improving your relationships, read on.

1. Ignoring

People that spend their time here are not very user-friendly. "Ignorers" actively block out what's being said by the speaker. There is an active resistance to receiving feedback and any massages from the speaker. The speaker's feelings are of little concern here and there is often a desire to communicate to the speaker that their message is being rejected.
This damages relationship connection.

2. Pretending

People that spend their time here sometimes convince themselves that the speaker's feelings have value, when in reality "Pretenders" are concerned more about their own comfort. For one reason or another, "Pretenders" are unwilling to communicate to the speaker that they are uninterested in the speaker's message. The goal of pretending is to deceive the speaker into believing that they're being heard.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.
If this behavior is recognized by the speaker, it damages relationship connection.

3. Waiting
People that spend their time here often know what they are going to say before a speaker has finished speaking. "Waiters" sometimes believe they are listening, but they can't actively listen if they are formulating a response while the speaker's words are being shared.This type of behavior will often lead to repeat arguments and "here we go again" responses.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection.

4. Selecting

People that spend their time here will often start out either ignoring or pretending to listen to the speaker. Then a "Selector" will hone in on a word or small section of a speaker's message that has captured their (often times, negative) interest. This behavior generally sends a message to the speaker that the rest of their message is considered unimportant to the listener.
This does nothing to manage or improve true relationship connection. If a speaker feels unable to receive attention concerning important topics, it damages relationship connection.

5. Attending

People that spend their time here usually mean well. Attention is usually given by the "Attender" to the speaker and their words. "Attenders" may even express a sincere desire to listen and understand the speaker's message. The problem however is that "Attenders" often miss that message.
"Attenders" will often process the speaker's message through their own psychological and emotional filters, trying to arrive at the same place as the speaker. This leads to a lot of misinterpreted messages, which in turn leads to a lot of frustration.
In an attempt to improve connection, the connection can sometimes be made worse if either the speaker or listener loses hope about the idea of communicating in the future of the relationship.

6. Empathizing
People that spend their time here have a skill that naturally improves relationships. Empathetic listening requires active participation with the speaker. Empathetic listening separates the understanding of the message FROM the understanding of the speaker's emotional perspective. "Empathizers" usually have an intellectual understanding of the speaker's message, but it isn't always necessary. More importantly, "Empathizers" have an ability to promote the speaker's emotional perspective and well-being to the main focus of the communication. An "Empathizer" not only understands the speaker's emotional connection to their message but communicates that understanding in a compassionate way. This compassion creates a space for the speaker where they are able to feel emotionally safe, mentally understood and accepted as a person without judgement. If a person and your relationship with them is important, then that person's emotional status and well-being should be important as well. This importance is clearly communicated when a listener can understand, is willing to identify AND also accepts the speakers emotional state. There is a lack of resistance from the listener and there is an ongoing comfort for the speaker in continuing the communication.
The speaker feels heard.
This type of listening builds stronger relationship connections.

Ask yourself, how often do you communicate to your loved ones that you understand AND accept how they feel when they communicate with you?

Practice more empathetic listening. Your improved relationships will be all the thanks you need.

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Question: I'm usually very disciplined. Why can't I translate that to weight loss?

I'm a very disciplined person in pretty much every aspect of my life. I save money, I'm truthful, I work hard and I show up on time. Why can't I translate this over to weight loss?  Every time I start a diet, my favorite foods call my name and I give in. What gives?

This is an interesting question! Let's unpack this to see why you're noticing this difference.

Discipline.

To be a disciplined person essentially means you consistently do what you understand to be right.

This includes things that you consider to be morally good, correct and honorable. 

It means you follow an inner guidance system that governs your behavior.

It means you follow an inner code of conduct.

Considering the guidance you receive from your conscience, answer the following questions:

What are your rules for how you should live your life?

What responsibilities remain top priorities to you?

What do you feel is the proper way to carry and conduct yourself?

After you answer these questions, you can compare your behavior to your answers.

Anyone can honestly call themselves disciplined that follows their rules for living life, takes care of their responsibilities and conducts themselves the way they believe they should.

Being disciplined also means avoiding that which you believe to be wrong.

Things that you consider to be incorrect, unjust or immoral fall into this category.

Saving for the future, telling the truth and maintaining a strong work ethic are all behaviors that are easy to consider correct and honorable. A person can do those things and feel good about their behavior, knowing that they're following their inner guidance.

What does any of this mean for weight loss?

Consider the following questions:

Can you be morally good at your current weight?

 Can you follow your rules for life at your current weight?

Are you able to take care of your priorities at your current weight?

If you answered yes to those questions, it means you're able to be disciplined at your current weight.

Therefore, in order for your discipline to assist you with weight loss, you'll need to expand your understanding of weight loss. A successful weight loss journey has several very important components that should always be given adequate attention. Those components are:

Overall Health

To begin, a person should accurately assess their overall health. This may require a visit to a medical provider. If there are any ongoing illnesses or injuries, you should first focus on recovery. Also, if there are any medical conditions, it is important to understand what medical guidelines to follow to prevent the condition from getting worse.

Rest

The body needs what the body needs, and what every body needs is adequate rest. This includes the amount AND the quality of your sleep, downtime and days off. It's not just enough to sleep, you need quality sleep. If you are having difficulty falling or staying asleep, you may want to evaluate how you manage your stress.  It's also important to make sure you give yourself restful downtime. This is time for you to enjoy engaging in restful, calming activities.

Nutrition

You mentioned earlier about going on a diet. "Going on" suggests that at some point you'll be "going off". If you plan to invest in your long term overall health, it's more beneficial to think of your diet as your overall way of eating, rather than a temporary restriction of certain foods.

Hippocrates is quoted as saying "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." What this means is that proper nutrition fuels a body with what it needs to operate optimally. Unless there is a medical condition, a body that is overweight is likely a body receiving improper nutrition.

Activity

This component includes physical exercise and physical activity. This can be done for health and also for enjoyment. Engaging in non-sedentary activities will help improve your body's overall conditioning. 

What do you do with your body? How do you move it? What do you use your muscles for? How often do you stretch?

Evolve your understanding of the importance of overall health, rest, nutrition and activity.

As you do, your inner guidance system should evolve to direct you towards better health.

As healthier living becomes a part of how you feel you should carry yourself, your discipline will translate into a great weight that fascinates!

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Question: I Find Myself Feeling Stressed Out - What Can I Do About It?

Just like everyone else, I have sooo much going on! I try to handle it all and keep things moving, but sometimes the stress really gets to me. Is there a way for me to get rid of stress or live stress free? I don't like what feeling stressed out does to me - help!

First let's understand what stress is.

An understanding is important so that we can respect stress for what it is and appreciate how it helps us in life.

Stress is an absolutely essential part of life. Without it, not much would ever get done.

Stress is our body's reaction to external stimulus based on our perception.

Stress is the body energizing to "take care of business".

If you think of your body as a car and your mind as the driver, stress would be the gas pedal.

Can you imagine having a car with no gas pedal? Good luck getting anywhere!

A well functioning car has a well functioning gas pedal. Every time the car is driven, the gas pedal is used.

As you experience life, every time there is a response necessary, your "driver" presses the "gas pedal". Your mind determines how "energized" you need to be in order to respond appropriately (how hard to press the gas pedal) based on your perception of your experience.

The thing about gas pedals is this - after using them, eventually you're supposed to use a brake pedal.

When a body is energized to respond to an experience, it should calm afterwards so that it reaches an emotional balance.

It's not enough to take your foot off of the gas pedal.

It's not enough that your body isn't being further energized to respond to an experience.

There is a need to press the brake pedal to avoid crashing.

There is a need to calm the mind and body to avoid being "stressed out" (mentally and/or emotionally overwhelmed). 

There is a need to press the brake pedal to stop when you've reached your destination.

There is a need to calm the body to reach a peaceful equilibrium once you've finished responding to an experience.

It doesn't matter how much of a rush you are in or how important your responsibilities are - if you don't use your brake pedal appropriately, you can expect to crash.

If the management of stress is an ongoing issue, some note taking could really help to organize stressors and your responses to them. You can also quantify your stress to give you a really good idea about how to respond. I'm confident that following the steps listed below will help you reach success in managing your stress.

Step 1:

Create the following three categories of stressors and list as many stressors for each category as you can:

Responsibilities

This category encompasses everything that you feel you need to accomplish.

Work, school, chores, bills, feeding pets, bank deposits, taking kids to the doctor, etc.

Physical

This category encompasses everything going on with your body.

Do you have any illnesses or injuries? What is your daily grooming routine? Are you tired? What does your diet look like? What time do you go to sleep?

Relationships

This category encompasses all of the people in your life.

Your spouse or dating partner, parents, children, neighbors, coworkers, etc. all fall into this category. How many people in your life do you have a relationship with?

How many people in your life do you have regular interactions with? (positive AND negative)

Step 2:

After completing Step 1, write next to each stressor it's own requirement.

For example, in the "Responsibilities" category, next to "Work", I might write that the requirement is  to be there by 8 am, which requires me to leave home by 7:15 am.

In the "Physical" category next to "Tired", I might write that the requirement is to get to sleep 30 minutes earlier to get some additional rest.

Step 3:

Using a scale of 1-10, assign a number value to each requirement for how much the requirement stresses you.

For example, if leaving home by 7:15 am is easy for me, I might assign that requirement a value of "1" or so. However, if leaving by that time is difficult because of other responsibilities, I'd assign a higher value.

Similarly, if going to sleep 30 minutes early is easy, I might assign that a value of  "1" or so. However, if it would be difficult because of other responsibilities, I'd assign a higher value.

After assigning number values to each stressor, you should start to have a pretty decent understanding of how much stress you experience and where your stress is coming from. However, it's also important to understand that just because something causes stress, it doesn't mean that the effects linger, which leads us to the next step.

Step 4:

Using a scale of 0-10, assign a number value for how much lingering stress you have from each stressor's requirement.

For example, a morning routine can be pretty hectic and leaving by 7:15 can have a number value of 5. However, if none of that stress lingers once I'm on my way to work, I would assign a "Lingering Stress" value of "0"

If on the other hand, there was any lingering stress, I would assign the appropriate number value.

It is the lingering stress that will potentially lead a person to feel emotionally overwhelmed ("stressed out") and keep them from being emotionally balanced. 

It is the lingering stress that can really be unhealthy. 

To address lingering stress, follow the next step.

Step 5:

For each stressor and associated requirement that has any lingering stress, identify an action you can take that will bring you an amount of joy that is equal to or higher than the stress that lingers.

For example, if after leaving home at 7:15 I have a lingering stress value of 3, I need an action I can take that will bring joy at a value of 3 or higher. If I have some favorite music I can listen to that brings a joy value of 4, I will eliminate all of my lingering stress.

The goal is to get my total "Lingering Stress" as close to "0" as possible.

Step 5 is your brake pedal. As you experience life and your body is energized to do the things you need to, remember to prioritize yourself and do things that bring you joy. Joy will help you reach an emotional balance.

It is important to love yourself so that you experience joy. 

Does that make loving yourself a stressor?🤔🤔🤔

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Question: How Do I Gain Confidence?

There are a lot of things that I plan to do. There are a lot of things that I want to do. There are even people I want to talk to that I don't, because when it's time to - I freeze. I don't feel like I have enough confidence in myself to do certain things or talk to certain people. What can I do?

First let's understand that confidence (or a lack thereof) is NOT a reflection of your abilities.

You want to plan? Go ahead and plan - you can do it.

You want to do some things? Go ahead and do those things - you can do them.

You want to talk to certain people? Go ahead and talk to them - you know how to speak.

The difficulty comes with your "belief". Confidence is all about whether or not you believe in yourself. Therefore, a desire for more confidence is a desire to believe in yourself and your abilities more than you currently do.

Once established, most of our beliefs are pretty unchanging unless an event or series of events comes along to change them. For example, if I believe that vanilla is the best ice cream flavor, that belief isn't likely to change unless there is an event that occurs to change that belief. (ex. I taste a flavor that I like more)

Therefore, if you want to change what you believe about yourself, you have to start creating events that increase how much you believe in yourself.

Here's a question for you:
What unique trait do you have that increases the value of others whenever you're around?

Every one of us has a unique gift that we can use to improve the lives of others. Spend time reflecting on that. Understand that no gift is "small" or insignificant. Anything from making sandwiches to singing songs to organizing spaces. Find your gift and find joy in being gifted.

Next, as you reflect on your gift(s) and the joy of being gifted, start a positive internal dialog with yourself (talk to yourself). Become best friends with your inner voice. Let that voice compliment you on your abilities and offer reassuring words.

The more you reassure yourself about your abilities, the better you'll feel about them.
The better you feel about your abilities, the more you will feel positive emotions.
The more you feel positive emotions, the more you'll have positive body language.
The more you have positive body language, the more others will respond to you positively.
The more others respond to you positively, the more reassured you'll be.

It's a cycle. You can make a deliberate effort to positively impact this cycle at any time you wish.

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Question: I Want This Body To Feel Better - Where Do I Start?

I don't really know how to describe how I feel now. I just know that I want to feel better. Where do I begin?

Starting from the beginning, it's important to make sure our body is at a place where it isn't in need. 

Is your body in need?

If so, this will always take priority. Any disease or sickness needs to be addressed first. 

Only after reaching a state of relative health should we really begin to focus on further improving our physical state. 

Healthy? Now What?

There are three general areas to focus on when working to improve your overall health:

Diet

Rest

Activity

Diet

How does what you eat make you feel? Food is literally fuel, so what you eat should leave you feeling refreshed and full of energy. If it doesn't, there's work to be done on the diet.

Rest

In addition to sleep, relaxation and restful breaks allow the body to recharge and prepare for whatever comes next.

Activity

Stretching, exercise, dancing, moving - if we expect our body to be able to do certain things, we have to train it to do those things. What is it that you want your body to be better able to do? Those are the things you should spend our time safely training your body to do.

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Question: So Much On My Mind - What Do I Do?

I lose sleep, I lose focus and I have a difficult time relaxing.

There's so much on my mind and I don't know how to shut it off.

What do I do?

Focus on your present.

It's a gift that can free your mind.

When we have a lot on our minds, it usually means one of two things:

1. We're reliving the past

2. We're worrying about the future

What about the 'Right Now'?

If you have a difficult time clearing your mind, a simple technique is to focus on what's going on right now. Wherever you are, be more present. Feel your skin. Inhale deeply. Notice all of the colors around you. Check in with all of your senses. Be mindful of all that is around you as it is in the moment.

You can't focus on all of that AND everything that was on your mind before. This doesn't mean that you neglect your responsibilities so that you can sit around. Instead what it means is that in all you do - be fully present in what you're doing.

Taking a shower? Sing! Feel the water against your skin! Be fully present in your body as its feeling of refreshment takes over.

Eating? Savor the flavor! Be mindful of each chew and enjoy the experience!

Listening to music? Let it fill your body! Move with the rhythm. Sing along (or lip sync). Perform your own private concert in your mind.

Laying in bed? Feel yourself sink into the mattress! The sheets and blankets over your body and the pillow cradling your head. Feel it. Describe it in vivid detail. List all of the things about it that you enjoy. As you are comfortable in your sleeping position, release the fatigue of the day as you prepare to rest. 

Deliberate focus in this manner takes focus away from whatever may be "on your mind". This doesn't suggest that you take mental energy away from anything requiring a resolution. Instead, it helps bring focus to the importance of the present sense of self.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day, starting with your present moment.

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Question: Are We Compatible?

How do I determine whether or not I am compatible with another person?

Is there a way to keep me from wasting time with someone that isn't right for me?

There sure is!

If you take a close look and answer questions at each of the 

"5 C's of Compatibility", 

you'll have a pretty clear idea.

Chemistry

Chemistry focuses on how you naturally feel towards each other. There should be an unspoken emotional magnetism that brings the two of you closer together. This same magnetism will sometimes require a bit of force to separate you.
Consider the following questions:

Are each of you attracted to the other? 

Do you "click" when you are together? 

Does conversation flow naturally and seem to go on for hours?

Comparability

Comparability focuses on the things you have in common.  
"Birds of a feather flock together"
Focus on the person you are and the values that are important to you.
Think about your lifestyle and everything that makes you unique. 
Consider the following questions: 

In what ways are you similar? 

(Some similarities may be more important to you than others.)
Do you have a similar sense of humor, emotional temperament, values, lifestyle, etc.

Complimentarity

Complimentarity focuses on your differences. Since no two people are the same, there will always be differences. For compatibility reasons, some of those differences should be complimentary. A burger is different from fries, but because of their complimentarity they're sold together at millions of restaurants world wide.
Consider the following questions:

In what ways are you different?
Do any of your differences make you want to be a better person?
Do any of your differences make it easier for you to contribute to the relationship?
In what ways do your differences make you better together?

Communication

Communication focuses on the way each of you express yourselves. When there is a message that you want to send, there is likely a particular way you send that message. Communication also focuses on the way you generally receive messages given to you by others. How you receive feedback is generally referred to as "listening" or "receptivity".
Consider the following questions:

What are your communication styles?
Does "what you say" match "what you show" and "how you feel"?
Are each of you comfortable with communicating to each other?
How does each of you feel emotionally about the idea of communicating with each other?

Conflict Resolution

 Conflict Resolution focuses on the approach you take to addressing any disagreements. No two people always agree on everything, so when those disagreements (conflict) arise, it's important to have a similar approach to solving those disagreements (conflict), otherwise there may be additional disagreements (conflict) created.
Consider the following questions:

Does each of you feel free to be assertive with each other in resolving conflict?
(Assertive meaning "If I have something to say, I'm going to say it and I feel comfortable saying it!")
Do you each feel respected during the conflict resolution process?
Are you each willing to forgive?

If you don't have an answer to some of these questions, you may need to give yourself more time to get to know each other. However, a lack of answers should not be a reason to remain in a relationship where incompatibility has been identified in another area.

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Opinion: Nurturing Your Creative Spark

Are you creative?

Where's your spark?

 

Believe it or not, there are deliberate steps your can take to help your creative spark fire up and grow into full forced energy.

 

When Do I Start?

Right Now! Whenever the  urge comes or an idea hits you, that's the time to be creative. 

As creativity is more abstract, it's less likely to follow a logical timeline for providing inspiration. Organization isn't as important in beginning as expression is.

 

What if I don't receive inspiration?

Give yourself space to receive inspiration. 

Remove distractions, quiet your mind and assume an open spiritual and emotional state. 

Meditation may help with this.

 

What if I don't have time?

 Make time! 

If you don't prioritize yourself, you'll be operating from a constant state of lack. 

Instead, take a good look at your schedule and carve out 10-20 minutes to devote to yourself. 

(As you get better at carving out time for yourself, this amount of time may naturally increase.) Understand that this time isn't for responsibilities or sleeping. This time is specifically for you to be open to receiving creative inspiration.

 

I've made time, but I still haven't received any creative inspiration. What now?

The next time you're enjoying the time for yourself, make note of how you feel. 

(Writing your  emotions may be helpful.) 

Identify as much emotion in as much detail as you can. Next, ask yourself the following question: "How can I express these emotions with this intensity as art?" 

Your answer will be creative inspiration.

 

The creative process starts with a feeling. 

This is followed by an idea about expressing the feeling. 

The process of expressing the feeling creates your art.

It is at that point you can choose to share your art with the world.

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Question: Sometimes I get so ANGRY!!!

ANGER  

is an emotion that many people have difficulty managing. However, with practice the emotion can be used to your benefit. Below are a few tips to help you understand anger a bit better and embrace it.

#1 - It's ok to feel anger 

Feeling anger isn't "bad" or "wrong". Therefore, there isn't a need to avoid it or try to keep the emotion from arising. It's important to justify anger so that time and energy aren't wasted in an attempt to keep from feeling. All energy that is conserved in this manner will still be available to help direct behavior.

#2 - Be honest about how much anger you feel

 Whenever emotions spike, it becomes more difficult to maintain an ability to think logically. While the feeling of anger may be justified, the more intense the feeling, the harder it will be to make rational decisions.

#3 - Identify the focus of your anger

 This is what many consider to be "what made me mad". If we believe that something or someone else has the power to control our emotions, we also fall into the trap of believing that the responsibility for behavior control lies outside of us. On the other hand, if we understand that the feeling of anger is an inner warning to us that something is wrong, we can appreciate the energy that we experience when we get "mad".

#4 - Decide what you want to do

 This is where you'll either succeed or fail in the management of your behavior. At this point, rather than continuing to focus on what's wrong or what you don't like, it's more helpful to shift your focus towards what you want. This shift in focus will help you identify steps you can takes to increase the likelihood that you'll get what you want.

#5 - Perform regular self care

This is where you get to treat yourself! The energy we experience when we feel anger takes us out of our emotional equilibrium. If after an experience we have lingering angry energy, that energy begins to affect many other aspects of our lives and may cause some unwanted consequences. Self-care is a routine of deliberate acts to bring joy into your life, so that the joyous energy will help you to return to an emotional state that helps you to enjoy life. 

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